


Running on Fumes

by make_your_user_a_name



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (it's not but no confessions), Angst, Castiel Makes a Deal with The Shadow (Supernatural), Coda, Depressed Dean Winchester, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love, also i'm jk it is NOT a fix it, but why would you, could be read as platonic, it makes shit worse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27037420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/make_your_user_a_name/pseuds/make_your_user_a_name
Summary: “Dean, in case something goes wrong… there’s something you and Sam need to know.”Dean felt his mouth go dry but he held Cas’ steady gaze. That fire, that rage Amara wouldn’t shut up about burned inside him, but it was easier with Cas now. He could tame it, even if he couldn’t put it out.“What?” his voice was tight, but it was still controlled. For now.“Jack,” Cas took a breath, “His plan- we can’t do it.”“Okay?” Dean said, his brow furrowing as he took another step toward Cas, narrowing the already small distance between them.“Dean, if Jack kills God, he also kills Amara-”“You know I was kidding when I said she and I used to have a thing right, man?” Dean interrupted. He wanted to lighten the mood, to get rid of the pain in Cas’ eyes because he couldn’t take it, couldn’t see Cas so lost.Cas barely reacted to his words, just gulped and held his eyes. “He kills them both,” he continued, “But he also kills himself.”
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 74





	Running on Fumes

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much @fandomstuff67 (tumblr) for the title. love you b

“Dean, in case something goes wrong… there’s something you and Sam need to know.” 

Dean felt his mouth go dry but he held Cas’ steady gaze. That fire, that rage Amara wouldn’t shut up about burned inside him, but it was easier with Cas now. He could tame it, even if he couldn’t put it out. 

“What?” his voice was tight, but it was still controlled. For now. 

“Jack,” Cas took a breath, “His plan- we can’t do it.”

“Okay?” Dean said, his brow furrowing as he took another step toward Cas, narrowing the already small distance between them. 

“Dean, if Jack kills God, he also kills Amara-”

“You know I was kidding when I said she and I used to have a thing right, man?” Dean interrupted. He wanted to lighten the mood, to get rid of the pain in Cas’ eyes because he couldn’t take it, couldn’t see Cas so lost. 

Cas barely reacted to his words, just gulped and held his eyes. “He kills them both,” he continued, “But he also kills himself.” 

The flames leapt higher, licking at his lips, leaving harsh words on his tongue. But Cas’ eyes were so wide, so vulnerable that they died back down almost immediately. He couldn’t do this to Cas. “What do you mean?”

“He’ll create a bomb within himself, and when it detonates-”

“No more God,” Dean finished. 

“Exactly.” 

“You’re right then,” Dean said simply, running a hand through his hair. 

“What?”

“We don’t let him do it. We’ll find another way.” The words were empty. He bit his lip. When he kept the anger down, he didn’t like what filled its place. It would be so much easier, just to black out. To shout at Cas, something he would regret later, and let red fill his vision. But he’d said he would do better, he had to do better. 

So instead he almost collapsed as the crushing weight of disappointment and sadness hit him. They doused the flames somewhat, but his shoulders slumped and the fight left his body. 

“Dean?” 

He realized his eyes were on the floor and he looked up to find Cas’ face just inches from his own. He didn’t pull up. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” he breathed. Cas just looked into his eyes, head tilting slightly as his eyes crinkled inward. “I can’t- the lying, and the secret, and the- all of it. Why didn’t Jack just tell us? We could have helped him earlier.” 

If it had been anyone else, if they hadn’t been so close together, he might have missed it. Might have missed the way Cas’ eyes widened just slightly and his lips fell open a fraction of a centimeter more. That’s when his heart fell down into the raging fires below it. 

“What?” he spat. 

Cas’ face was completely controlled now, and for a moment Dean wondered if he was seeing things, making something from nothing because his nerves were strung out across a line miles long. But he hadn’t. He knew Cas too well. 

“What aren’t you telling me?” 

“Nothing. Dean, we aren’t going to let Jack do this.” 

Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head. “I know that, Cas, but- there’s something else. What’s going on?” 

“What?” Cas said stiffly. “Being back to square one in our quest to defeat God isn’t enough for you?

“We’ll figure something out, just like we always do.” Cas went to speak but Dean cut him off, “Please, Cas. I can’t do anymore fucking secrets.” 

Cas took a deep breath and Dean watched as his chest rose, filling with air. Everything hung suspended, and a voice in the back of his mind warned him that his fractured world was about to shatter into pieces. Then Cas released his breath in a heavy sigh. 

“I made a deal.” 

Dean gulped, his mind whirling through the possibilities, trying to find the best one. “A deal?”

“With the Empty. It was going to take Jack and so I traded my-”

“Dammit, Cas.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose and shook his head in disbelief. He couldn’t- he needed Cas. 

“You would have done the same.” Cas sounded petulant, confident. But when Dean looked up his eyes were wide and watery. 

“No I wouldn’t have.” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, but they both knew he didn’t mean it. The next part he did mean. “I couldn’t have left you.”

Cas smiled painfully, blinking quickly. “You would have saved our son.” 

Dean gulped and held back a laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Every goddamn time, the only way was sacrifice. And then the others were left behind to pick up the pieces. Self-sacrifice was selfishness. 

“So, what? We defeat God and then you- you die?” Dean choked out, his thoughts swirling too fast for him to process. 

“No,” Cas said. Dean felt a glimmer of hope. But it didn’t last, the hungry flames in his soul immediately licked it up, letting it fuel them, and his heart rate kicked up as anger settled over him. Why hadn’t Jack told them? Why hadn’t Cas told him? Why was he destined to lose his family again and again? 

“I won’t die until-” Dean flinched at the word and Cas started again. “The Empty won’t come for me until I’m truly happy, Dean. It could be years.” 

The anger simmered out again, resuming its steady burning in the pit of his stomach. His thoughts stopped spinning and he just looked at Cas, tears now prickling behind his own eyes. “Until,” he took a breath and looked down at the floor. “Until you’re truly happy?”

Cas nodded once, his eyes now guarded.

“You’re not happy?” 

“Dean, we’re fighting God. The creator of- well, everything. Happiness isn’t part of it.” 

Dean wanted to let it slide, he really did. It had been a long day, he needed sleep, and Cas looked terrified. But he couldn’t process right, couldn’t think straight. His son had been about to kill himself to save the world, still was going to if they didn’t stop him. And his best- no… how could he even describe who Cas was to him? But he couldn’t lose him. 

“You’re never happy?” he pressed. 

“Dean-”

“You’re home, Cas. You have Jack, you have Sam, you have me. Why are you not- I mean, are we not enough?” His voice broke on the last word and he hated the way Cas’ face fell. But he couldn’t- he had to know. 

“Don’t do this, Dean.”

“Please-”

“We,” Cas’ voice was heavy now, and he left space between every word, “have to defeat Chuck. And make sure the world, and Jack, survive it. I do not have time to worry about my happiness, and you certainly don’t.” 

Before Dean could answer, could even let himself hear what Cas had said, the angel stalked from the room. 

Which left Dean standing there, his hands hanging loosely at his side. So much had happened today, so much he could be thinking about. Cas was right. They had a mission, and they couldn’t afford to be side tracked. But there was only one thing in his mind, one thing worth dwelling on. 

He didn’t make Cas happy. He wasn’t enough for Cas. The pain of that was somehow nearly as bad as losing him had been. And now, how was he supposed to wish for Cas’ happiness when that would also be wishing for Cas’ death?

And Cas dying, he couldn’t do that again. Last time it had nearly destroyed him. He needed Cas like he needed air. But it didn’t matter. Because now, even if they defeated God and saved the world, Cas could never be happy, or he’d be gone. 

Dean turned back to the table and grabbed the bottle he’d left there. He was going to skip it tonight, he’d been trying to cut back. But there was too much. It was all hopeless, pointless, stupid. A part of him wanted to leave this sorry world to deal with it’s own problems, let Chuck play his game however he wanted while he sat in a dark room drinking until he wasn’t there to see it. 

But he didn’t let that win. He let the anger rise up, drowning everything else out. Fuck Chuck for turning his world into this mess. Fuck Chuck for preventing him from ever telling Cas how he really felt in the fear that by some miracle it would make him happy. Fuck Chuck for ruining their entire lives for sport. 

He couldn’t deal with the heartbreak. The worry for his son. The fear for Cas’ life. The crushing hopelessness that had wrapped around him so tightly he would never be able to untangle himself with it. 

That was all gone, burning in the flames of his anger. 

And he was going to let the flames consume him. He would stay in their safe heat, in their protection, until he could burn Chuck to the ground.

**Author's Note:**

> hey look... i fixed it!


End file.
